Unveiled Prayer

I have to admit that in the past my prayer life has been …well… shall we say….   a little inconsistent.  I treated God like a 911 operator- I only called when it was an emergency.  And I have been thinking a lot about why that was…and why I feel like that is changing.  Why is it so hard for me to pray at all, let alone ask others to pray for me? Why is it that I never seemed to pray at the first sign of trouble …but only as last resort?  Why did I only fall to my knees when I couldn’t seem to get myself out of my mess?  Why didn’t I stay there, on my knees- or even face down, when things got better?   Why didn’t grace ever LAST in my life?   Why did my life seem to be an endless series of fires I was having to put out all the time?  What was I doing wrong?   I would seem to be fighting the same battles over and over again.  Each time, I swore I would get victory.  Storms would rise in my life and I would call on God to help me just one more time (because then I’ll get it right, God- I swear!).  When almost a year had gone by since the unveiled retreat and I was still such a mess, still putting out the same fires time after time- I got to a very low place.   I was battle weary.  I just wanted to give up the whole idea I could ever have more.  I fell into a kind of spiritual détente.  I wouldn’t try to get closer to God if the enemy would just leave me alone.  I was scared to even try anymore.  It was around that time that unveiled came around again.  In typical me fashion, I thought it was something I could do to get control over my life.  I went with a renewed sense of purpose.   I went to go get the new and shiny.  The secret weapon I missed last time.  What those other women got but I seemed to somehow miss out on.  Something that would stick this time.   And I was NOT going home until I figured God out.  My heart was crying out to God in utter frustration and despair-- WHAT do I have to do God to get you to stick around?   LET ME was his answer.   And it struck me hard like a blow to chest.   I was trying to control God.  My need to control everything- even my chaos- was telling God over and over that I just didn’t trust Him enough.  Abiding for me means giving up that control to God.  But strange as it sounds, that feels like such a safe place to be.  God is in control and I don’t have to be.  I am freed up to praise God through the storms of life and trust that He will see me through them.  So I am taking those baby steps.  Learning to walk this unveiled life.  I am praying more often from a place of grace rather than of place of panic.  And I am making mistakes.  I will make more.  But the difference is now I know that God will find me where I am.  I am hoping He doesn’t have to look too far.  I am hugging tight.