Unveiled Prayer

I have to admit that in the past my prayer life has been …well… shall we say….   a little inconsistent.  I treated God like a 911 operator- I only called when it was an emergency.  And I have been thinking a lot about why that was…and why I feel like that is changing.  Why is it so hard for me to pray at all, let alone ask others to pray for me? Why is it that I never seemed to pray at the first sign of trouble …but only as last resort?  Why did I only fall to my knees when I couldn’t seem to get myself out of my mess?  Why didn’t I stay there, on my knees- or even face down, when things got better?   Why didn’t grace ever LAST in my life?   Why did my life seem to be an endless series of fires I was having to put out all the time?  What was I doing wrong?   I would seem to be fighting the same battles over and over again.  Each time, I swore I would get victory.  Storms would rise in my life and I would call on God to help me just one more time (because then I’ll get it right, God- I swear!).  When almost a year had gone by since the unveiled retreat and I was still such a mess, still putting out the same fires time after time- I got to a very low place.   I was battle weary.  I just wanted to give up the whole idea I could ever have more.  I fell into a kind of spiritual détente.  I wouldn’t try to get closer to God if the enemy would just leave me alone.  I was scared to even try anymore.  It was around that time that unveiled came around again.  In typical me fashion, I thought it was something I could do to get control over my life.  I went with a renewed sense of purpose.   I went to go get the new and shiny.  The secret weapon I missed last time.  What those other women got but I seemed to somehow miss out on.  Something that would stick this time.   And I was NOT going home until I figured God out.  My heart was crying out to God in utter frustration and despair-- WHAT do I have to do God to get you to stick around?   LET ME was his answer.   And it struck me hard like a blow to chest.   I was trying to control God.  My need to control everything- even my chaos- was telling God over and over that I just didn’t trust Him enough.  Abiding for me means giving up that control to God.  But strange as it sounds, that feels like such a safe place to be.  God is in control and I don’t have to be.  I am freed up to praise God through the storms of life and trust that He will see me through them.  So I am taking those baby steps.  Learning to walk this unveiled life.  I am praying more often from a place of grace rather than of place of panic.  And I am making mistakes.  I will make more.  But the difference is now I know that God will find me where I am.  I am hoping He doesn’t have to look too far.  I am hugging tight.

Abide

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.

Abide in my love.

. . . .

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you,

and that your joy may be full.

I think abide is so much more than we realize.  Abide is God's promise of  joy and freedom - -freedom to just “be.”  Sometimes we feel like we have so little to offer.  We think that we are just too broken to shine for God.   We think we have to “do” something exactly right  in order to have worth in our Father’s kingdom.  But the truth is that we can impact people around us in ways we don’t even realize just by showing up, being our genuine selves, and loving God in our own unique way.  I was recently reminded of that in a powerful and very personal way.  During praise and worship at church Saturday night, I was really moved with a spirit of joy.  I raised my hands and sang to my God.  About half way through, I noticed the man in the row in front of me turning to watch me ….a couple of times …..and then….his arms went up in praise.   Now, I rarely pay attention to other people when I am worshipping but I noticed this.  After, when Pastor asked us to introduce ourselves, the man turned to me and said “Hello lady raising her arms in praise.”  I told him that it was still a little new for me.  He told me to keep doing it and smiled.  WOW.  Now, here is the part you might not know.  I can’t sing.  I was told as a child that I could not sing and was not allowed to sing in the choir.  I was the only one.  It was a church school.  You can imagine how I feel about singing.  I did not sing in church.  I mumbled into my hymnal.  I did not look up.  I did not raise my voice let alone my hands.  Until I went to a bible study last year and felt a room full of women I became close to do it in safety.  I raised my hands real close to my sides and I sang, softly, almost to myself, ‘cause I can’t sing.  Then, I went to a retreat called “Unveiled”  last year….and I came back singing off-key and raising my hands a little higher.  Still quietly -but enthusiastically.   Then Unveiled again this year.  A little bit deeper with Jesus.  This Saturday in church I was singing my heart out in praise to my King, my hands were lifted high and I shined for God.  He used ME to make someone else feel comfortable.  WOW. WOW. WOW.  Jesus heals. I just need to keep showing up.

Circle of Sisters

Walking this life in community is so vital to our spiritual well being.   It is so hard to do right.  As women we are often fooled into believing that we need to be independent.  That beauty and femininity are weak.  That being vulnerable is an open invitation to a battered and abused heart.  And so we lock it all away.  We stuff all that we truly are and all that we truly need deep down into our souls like an overpacked suitcase, hoping it won't burst as we carry it around from relationship to relationship.  And it gets heavier and heavier.  We live on the surface of life.  We have 500 "friends" and no relationships.  We skim, we hurry, we promise, we fail.  We fail to connect, fail to feed our hearts, fail to nourish our souls.  And we wither on the vine.  We too often end up lonely in a crowd, isolated from other women, even those women whom we consider close.  Because we don't dare show our genuine hearts.  But the truth is, women NEED other women.  We need to "do life" together in Christ.  We need to pray together, cry together, stand firm together, celebrate, laugh and have fun together.   We need to delight in each other for who we truly are.  We need to be there for each other to unpack that suitcase, however long it takes.  Because we are so much freeer to dance with Jesus without all that baggage.  And my sisters we were MADE to dance.  I have come to truly believe that an important part of hugging the vine is hugging my sisters tight in with me.

Jesus is the True Vine

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.  If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.  

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.

 Abide in my love.  

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love,

just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love.  

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you,

and that your joy may be full.

John 15:5-11

I love this!  There is so much hope, peace and joy in Jesus's promise to us.  Today the winds may blow and the storm may rage, but I will keep my gaze on Him and no matter what comes..... I will keep hugging the vine.